Anatomy of a Wine Buzz

We all know one of the big attractions to wine is that it just tastes good. But let’s be honest; alcohol is an intoxicant. It also makes us feel good. Thanks to a few college classes in biology, anatomy and physiology, and zoology I have learned exactly how alcohol affects us on a physiological level. Let me give you a quick run-through.

We take a sip of our favorite wine and immediately the alcohol comes into contact with glands located directly under the tongue. These glands are responsible for producing hormones that help us control the volume of our speech. Upon contact, the alcohol interferes with these glands by asking them things like, “Are you really going out wearing that shirt?” causing them to retract and produce less of this badly needed hormone. Soon we are talking way too loud.  

Then, receptors in your spleen detect the missing hormone and immediately release chemicals into the bloodstream. In the blood, these chemicals simulate a reality TV show, fooling the brain into believing that it’s both richer and more popular than it really is. People with an excess of these chemicals have an elevated frequency of saying, “You guys are my best friends,” and display a marked decrease in financially responsible spending.

Once the chemicals reach other receptors located in the pancreas, electric signals are produced and sent down nerve fibers to your body’s extremities. These signals mimic the popular kid in junior high and convince all the body parts to do things they shouldn’t. Before long, your larynx believes it can handle that Whitney Houston number, your feet can “outdance all these fools,” and your eyes are saying, “Hang on. I’ll find a karaoke machine!”

Eventually the excess hormones and electronic signals find their way to the base of your spine where they are collected by a small dwarf or frog that lives there and are recycled into carbohydrates to be used during exercise (these carbohydrates have also been known to interfere with decisions about appropriate swim wear in German men).

Yes, education is a good thing. This week’s wine recommendation is also a good thing.

Monte Volpe 2009, Primo Bianco ($8.99): A delicious, affordable, yet very well-made California wine created in the style of an Italian white blend. Like many Italian wines it is also very good with food. Don’t even get me started on what the food does once it reaches your digestive system.

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4 Responses to Anatomy of a Wine Buzz

  1. Anna says:

    Brilliant as usual!!!!!

    This one made me laugh out loud, really funny Chickster! Love it!

  2. jenny taylor says:

    Hilarious, Chris! You haven’t changed a bit:)

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