Brett Favre on a German Riesling: I know I said this is the last time I would review wine but now I’m not so sure. I mean, some guys review wines into their eighties, right? Anyway, I’d be happy to tell you what I like about this wine during training camp…or not. Tell you what–I’ll text you my review.
Charlie Sheen on a Spanish Tempranillo: This wine won’t get me drunk. No, I’ll get this wine drunk! Its face will melt off and it will die! I can do that! I’m Charlie Sheen! Then it will tell all the other wines about me and soon all wines will love me! I wouldn’t, like, date any of them though. Just because they love me doesn’t mean I want to date them. Probably nothing good could come of that. Oh, and this wine has a nice little mid-palate. Did the president ask about me? I’m Charlie freakin’ Sheen!
Liberace on a French Bordeaux: A lovely, simple wine. Sometimes it’s good for a winemaker to strip down the wine. Get rid of the frills, the additions, the gaudy intervention, and show the grapes in their naked, au-natural form. This wine does just that. It’s like shedding my diamond studded Count Dracula/King Henry/marching band jacket for a simpler, subtler g-string and turban. Not that I would wear a g-string and turban just anywhere though–unless it’s to the beach with one of those feathery Mardi Gras masks on a stick.
Glenn Beck on a California Zinfandel: I don’t care for this wine. The winemaker is probably a Nazi. I fear for this country, my friends.
Dr. Seuss on an Oregon Pinot: I taste some oak, I taste some cherry. I taste some smoke, I taste some berry.
That stinky, unkempt, obnoxious guy at the mall on an Italian Borolo as he struggles with security guards trying to carry him away: That’s right! That’s right! I said it! Weak fruit undertones and overdone tannins! I’m just keepin’ it real! That’s how I roll! A fine display of oak integration but the tannins outweigh the subtle floral notes on the finish! I gotta be me! That’s how I roll! I gotta be me! I’m just keepin’ it real!
The Wine Rogue on Flipflop 2009, Riesling ($6.99): A seven dollar Riesling can be a bit like the women on www.hotavailablebabes.com: You know what you’ll find will likely be bad, but you’re still a little surprised at how bad. Not so with this bottle. Flavors of pineapple and a delicious minerality make this wine as much of a bargain as it is a treat.