How the Lottery Will Change My Life—and My Wine Purchasing Habits

I just bought another Power Ball lottery ticket and I have a really good feeling about this one. I know I’ve said that before but this time I mean it. I’ve not won this game in something like eight straight attempts so what are the chances that can keep happening? Here’s a short schedule of how my life will change after Wednesday’s number picks:

Day 1) My first purchase will be new socks and underwear.  

Day 3) Winner’s press conference. The lottery holds this event to let everyone know that if a schmuck like me can win, you probably will too. My plan is to wear a fruity Carmen Miranda hat, big Elton John sunglasses, a wrestling singlet, a feather boa, and while holding a poodle that’s been dyed pink, I’ll look straight into the camera and proclaim that this money will not change me one bit.

Day 4) This is the day I’ll begin my long descent. Drunk with wealth, I’ll forget my friends and begin to only hang out with the famous and social elite. I’ll attend endless parties, get caught intoxicated and naked in my neighbor’s shed, get filmed trying to steal a llama, and be arrested for doing a Southern Baptist snake-handler dance at a children’s petting zoo. During one of many arrests, I’ll take the most unflattering mug shot ever by the rich and famous (and I’m including Nick Nolte’s).

Day 30) After a month of this self-destructive behavior, I’ll spend four days flying to Napa, Tuscany, Sonoma, Bordeaux, Santa Barbara, and Burgundy. Yes, in that order. I’ll do it that way because it’s more pretentious to say, “I’m off to France this afternoon,” than merely driving down the road to the next nearest destination. And yes that sounds pompous but money does that to me. With my entourage in tow, I’ll buy entire vintages of wine. Soon, a toxic mix of jet lag, hang over, and frivolous spending will overtake me.

Day 31) After just 31 days I hit bottom–broke. Slowly, over the next week, I get cleaned up, get religion, and get a publisher for the book I write of my story. I’ll then sell the movie rights for millions.

Day 39) I arrange a press conference where I wear a leotard and one of those big Russian furry hats. Hang on, world, here comes round two.

This week’s recommendation:

Trinitas 2009, Sauvignon Blanc ($17.99): This is a wine I could afford on day 31 but would happily drink during the most careless of my money hemorrhaging days. It has citrus and a light, spring-like sweetness that leaves you feeling like it’s day 39.


4 Responses to How the Lottery Will Change My Life—and My Wine Purchasing Habits

  1. Jim Duerr says:

    I thoroughly enjoy being your friend now, but I cannot wait until you win the lottery. That is as long as you don’t dump me!
    My shed is always open to you.

  2. Tracy says:

    I new you, won. Jen said you forgot us b/c I’m being a jerk. She says that a lot …

    “Kris barber, wine rouge

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