A Conversation with My Financial Advisor

Advisor: “I see you’ve put together a budget. That’s good. Let’s have a look at it. Savings…good. Retirement account with company matching…good. Roth IRA…good. I see you’re diversified, that’s good too. Hmmm, what’s this? I see you’re pretty heavy on this entry–this “W” entry. What is that? Are you investing with William Blair? Winston Hill? The Woodbridge Group?”

Me: (Shifting uneasily in my chair) “Uh, no, that’s my wine allotment.”

Advisor: (Long pause as he stares at me over the top of his glasses the way my math teacher stared at me when I explained I didn’t need to show my work because I did all the work in my head) “Your what?”

Me: (Feeling more uncomfortable now) “My wine allotment. That’s…what I’ve…been setting…aside for wine…” (trailing off).

Advisor: (Still staring) “Kris…” (Another long pause and I recognize the face of someone struggling for words to describe the lunacy of my poor judgment. I recognize this face on people instantly now thanks to a lifetime of lunacy and poor judgment). “Kris” (repeated for effect), you can’t continue on this financial path. You’ve really only been contributing significantly since 2003.”

Me: (Brightening somewhat because I was about to drop a great line) “That was an awesome California vintage!” (Immediately wishing I could take that one back).

Advisor: (Breaking off the stare, but employing the equally effective sigh of disappointment, made even more potent with a simultaneous shaking of the head. Teenagers recognize this double whammy gesture as the one parents use right before they employ the “Okay, we’re going to have to make some changes here” line.) “Okay, we’re going to have to make some changes here,” he said. “You’re going to have to think more about your future.”

Me: (Getting defensive because my wine is now being threatened by a CPA) “But most of those wines are being cellared!” (That’s me not quite making the distinction between my wine-drinking future and my financial future). “And I’m sure my lottery investments will start paying off real soon!” (This speaks to the “lunacy and poor judgment” I mentioned earlier).

Advisor: (Taking off his glasses—the third move in the disappointing gesture trilogy) “I’m talking about considering some serious changes with your wine purchasing habits, Kris.”

Me: “Should I buy more whites?”

This week’s recommendation:

Concannon Conservancy 2007, Merlot ($14.99): Concannon had a crazy idea with this Merlot: Make it balanced. I could ramble on about the fruit, the nose, etc. but the bottom line is you’ll love the deliciousness factor. Your financial advisor will love the price.

2 Responses to A Conversation with My Financial Advisor

  1. Shawnee says:

    Mr. Horn, my math teacher, would have used a velcro board and started screaming…in fact, he did…often.

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