A Few Last Minute Wine Reviews before the Apocalypse

With only one day before the rapture, I realized I had to hurry to taste all the wine I had left in my cellar. By taking one sip from each bottle, I could sample everything. Below are the reviews entered into my tasting journal on    5-20-11.


8:00 am. 2004 Brunellos: These have aged well. What a great vintage for Italy. Good structure and use of tannins. Finding it difficult to keep samples to one sip.

8:30 am. 2002 Burgundies: Delicious! Still young but what potential! Great power for such light body. Must try harder to keep samples to one sip. Lots of wine to get through today.

9:00 am. Woo Hoo! On to the Bordeaux! Who gives a crap about fruit and balance! All I know is these wines are AWESOME! One sip samples blow!

10:15 am. CalifoooorrrrnnnniiiiaaaWiiinnneeess!!!! This is MARLBOROUGH COUNTRY!!! Finally figured out how to keep samples to one sip: DO ELEVEN OF THEM!!! HAHAHAHAHA!

12:20 pm. Oregon Pinots: I lov Ponits! Do goodly drink for everyone.

2:00 pm: Kris has asked me, his wife, to write the remainder of his reviews for him while he dictates, because as he puts it, “he has the pre-rapture jitters.” In truth, he’s having trouble holding the pen, his eyes are crossed, and he mistook a cutting board for his notepad. I have hidden the corkscrew and most of the good wine. I can’t wait for this whole stupid thing to be over.    

4:00 pm. Rhone Wines: Kris found one 2009 Chateauneuf du Pape and managed to push the cork into the bottle with a fork. He drank most of the bottle from his skull-shaped shot glass and is now hiding behind the garbage can sobbing.

5:00 pm. Kris is now getting cold feet and says he doesn’t want to be called home. Has stolen my purse and won’t give it back. Says by sinning he will not be taken and can remain behind to see how the 2011 vintage turns out.

8:00 pm. Kris seems to have forgotten the 2011 vintage and has moved on to the Spanish wines. Insists they taste better when he’s shirtless.

9:30 pm. Kris has actually picked up the pace in an attempt to keep those “pansy-ass four horsemen” from getting his wine.

11:30 pm. He’s passed out cold and yes, still here, but he left this recommendation for those who were left behind.

The Whip 2009, ($22.99): Made from six grapes, this wine shows spectacular creaminess and summer flavors like melon and coconut. Drink what you can before Oct. 21st.

One Response to A Few Last Minute Wine Reviews before the Apocalypse

  1. Jim Duerr says:

    Barber – I am so mad at you!! I would have come out of the shelter that I have been hiding in in fear to share those wines with you.
    A Greedy, selfish person like you will not be saved, so dont worry you will still be around for the 2011 vintage!

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