Sommelier: Good evening. I’d be happy to answer any questions you have about the wine list. I believe the last sommelier you spoke with failed you, and if you take my advice I’ll get you back on the right track.
Me: Uhm. Wow. Okay. Well, I’m having steak and she’s having the pork. Can you recommend a good Californian wine?
Sommelier: No. American wines have gone to pot. We need to get back to making wines like our forefathers.
Me: That sounds serious. Okay, what about an Italian wine? Could you recommend an Italian wine for us?
Sommelier: If you keep drinking Italian wine, in two years America will have a deficit of nine point two bazillion bottles and three out of every four bottles we produce will go to just paying off the Italian producers. That’s why I’m implementing my three point plan to bring America back to American wine.
Me: But I thought you said American wines have gone to pot.
Sommelier: You took that out of context.
Me: But you just said it.
Sommelier: It depends of the meaning of the word “have”.
Me: Okaaaay, will it be American or not? What do you recommend?
Sommelier: I don’t think the American people want to hear about my views on wine.
Me: Why can’t you just answer the question? Why can’t you recommend something?
Sommelier: Because if I’m going to be your sommelier my number one priority will be to repeal the corkage fee. Did you know the corkage fee costs patrons two hundred million dollars a day?
Me: But what do you recommend? I’m asking for a recommendation!
Sommelier: If you take a look at my record, you’ll see I’ve already recommended something.
Sommelier: It was a sommelier who alerted the British.
Sommelier: That they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our wine, uh, by ringin’ those bells.
Me: I give up.
Sommelier: Mission accomplished.
No skirting the issue or dancing around the subject with this week’s recommendation.
Talbott Kali Hart 2008, Pinot Noir ($16.99): Let me just speak plainly: This Pinot Noir is one of the best I’ve tasted. Talbott takes every flavor profile known to wine and stuffs it into the light body of a Pinot Noir the way creationists are crammed into the front row at a Palin rally. This quality is often not even found in a bottle twice this price.