An Open Letter to Big Red Wines

August 24, 2011

So you’ve come back. Do you really think you can just come traipsing back into my life again after leaving for an entire summer? You want me to just pick you up again as if everything was fine? Am I really supposed to just take you back?

Sorry Honey. I’ve moved on. I’ve met so many fantastic white wines after you left that I barely even remembered you. I met a Torrontes from Argentina. That’s right. We saw Shakespeare in the Park together. Did you know I spent some time on the beach with a Sauvignon Blanc from California? Yup. That was in June and I’ve had that same wine three times since then. Uh huh. Unlike you, it’s crisp and it’s bright and it refreshes me like you never did.

Did you hear I met a Viognier for the first time this July? Well I did. I even brought it to my family picnic. Guess what? They loved it. I might even take it over and introduce it to the guys on game night. So don’t even try to weasel back in like you and me got it goin’ on.

Did you know I had to put the big red wine glasses away after you left? I should have known you wouldn’t be around once the weather got nice. I was so stupid! And I have no doubt that you’re probably showing up in other people’s glasses right now too. No! We’re done! Things are different now. We. Are. Done.

Don’t get me wrong. I wish you well. I mean, you always did go well with steak. Do you still go well with steak? I bet you do. Remember that night at the cabin? The night of two bottles? You were amazing. You’re always amazing on a cold night. We were good together, weren’t we? It would be fun to do something like that again. We have so much history together. It would be a shame to just turn our backs on so much history. Okay, maybe I’ll have just one glass. For old time’s sake —   but I’m not taking you back.

This week’s recommendation:

Guglielmo Private Reserve, Petite Sirah 2007 ($24.99): With flavors of smoke, chocolate, and leather, Guglielmo tastes like something we love to reminisce about but are careful not to talk about. This wine is big and meaty and buxom and delicious and a great way to welcome back the big red wine season. Grab a bottle and create some history.

Why I Have Not Been Asked to Design a Wine Label

August 10, 2011

Thank you all for being here as I unveil the artwork for the first wine label I designed myself. A few of you have asked why I chose to show myself so prominently on the label…and why I’m shown shirtless and much more muscular than I am in real life. Well, the purpose of the picture is to capture the true essence of my being. By viewing this, we embark on an artistic journey to witness my true self.

I hear some of you claiming that this label has nothing to do with the wine inside the bottle, and is merely a venue for me to exercise my own ego. That is not true. For example, let me direct your attention to the nymph located in the lower foreground. That’s Amphictyonis, the Greek Goddess of wine. I didn’t need to add her but I thought she added legitimacy to the theme of the art piece. So you see, it really is all about the wine. Notice also how she resembles Angelina Jolie and how she kneels at my feet, gazing upon my countenance with adoring eyes.

Is that Chuck Norris I’m beating down with one hand while I effortlessly play lead guitar for an awesome rock band with the other? Yes. This is not a cheap, self-serving attempt to inflate my own masculinity. No, this is an existential metaphor of the transitory nature of life. Duh. If you didn’t recognize that, you don’t know anything about art.

The scene in the background is a young man receiving a sports award. This is a commentary on the day I won the Snail Lake Elementary School basketball team’s most valuable player trophy. The angels hovering overhead are my own addition but I’m pretty sure they show up at big events like that. We just couldn’t see them.

Scattered about the rest of the label are some other minor details: The name of the wine, the alcohol content, the grape variety, etc. but in each case I have been able to mostly obscure those trivialities with more exciting information like my birthday, how much I could bench press in college, and a few images of my favorite foods.

This week’s recommendation:

Cupcake, Prosecco ($9.99): Delicious and well-made, this Prosecco has flavors even more complex than the label described above: Take the love-child of a peach and a honeydew melon, drop it in a blender with a few almonds, pour over a piece of vanilla French toast, and serve with a shot of cream and you’d get the idea. Now enjoy a glass while viewing a picture of me.

Amended Taglines for Paul Masson Wines

August 3, 2011

We will serve no wine before its time…that said, I’m also the same guy who would serve no high calorie snacks during the football game, and that didn’t pan out so well.

We will serve no wine before its time…but then again, we’re all drunk and I didn’t expect the beer to go this fast.

We will serve no wine before its time…and while I’m at it, I will serve no sushi again at the all day, fun-in-the-sun company picnic.

We will serve no wine before its time…oh, and coffee enemas are out too.

We will serve no wine before its time…unless you’re on death row and it’s your last request. We might consider it then.

We will serve no wine before its time…but if you do happen to get some before its time, discontinue use if rash or irritation occurs.

We will serve no wine before its time…and you can’t even have any when it is its time, Bob. Idiot.

We will serve no wine before its time…not even if you offered us a ton of money. Why?  How much were you planning to offer us? That much? Seriously? Well it’s more of a guideline than a rule, really. I mean we could maybe serve a little wine before its time and see how it goes.

We will serve no wine before its time…actually we will, but just saying that makes the wine sound sophisticated, doesn’t it?

We will serve no wine before its time…but for those who just can’t wait, we also have a convenient twelve liter box wine that we’ll serve any old time. One’s ready now.

We will serve no wine before its time…and that goes for our cheese and sauerkraut too. Have you ever tasted cheese or sauerkraut before their time? We definitely need to wait for the cheese and sauerkraut’s time.

These dog days of summer are the perfect time for this week’s recommendation.

Tamari 2009, Torrontes ($14.99): Tamari didn’t hire a fat, drunk actor spewing elitist taglines to peddle their juice. Instead, they simply made the perfect summer wine and let it speak for itself. Virtually everything on the summer picnic table goes with this flavorsome Torrontes. It pairs well with fish, mild cheese, oysters, scallops, crabs, chicken, and cold meats. Just avoid the sushi if it’s been in the sun for a while.

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