Why I Have Not Been Asked to Design a Wine Label

August 10, 2011

Thank you all for being here as I unveil the artwork for the first wine label I designed myself. A few of you have asked why I chose to show myself so prominently on the label…and why I’m shown shirtless and much more muscular than I am in real life. Well, the purpose of the picture is to capture the true essence of my being. By viewing this, we embark on an artistic journey to witness my true self.

I hear some of you claiming that this label has nothing to do with the wine inside the bottle, and is merely a venue for me to exercise my own ego. That is not true. For example, let me direct your attention to the nymph located in the lower foreground. That’s Amphictyonis, the Greek Goddess of wine. I didn’t need to add her but I thought she added legitimacy to the theme of the art piece. So you see, it really is all about the wine. Notice also how she resembles Angelina Jolie and how she kneels at my feet, gazing upon my countenance with adoring eyes.

Is that Chuck Norris I’m beating down with one hand while I effortlessly play lead guitar for an awesome rock band with the other? Yes. This is not a cheap, self-serving attempt to inflate my own masculinity. No, this is an existential metaphor of the transitory nature of life. Duh. If you didn’t recognize that, you don’t know anything about art.

The scene in the background is a young man receiving a sports award. This is a commentary on the day I won the Snail Lake Elementary School basketball team’s most valuable player trophy. The angels hovering overhead are my own addition but I’m pretty sure they show up at big events like that. We just couldn’t see them.

Scattered about the rest of the label are some other minor details: The name of the wine, the alcohol content, the grape variety, etc. but in each case I have been able to mostly obscure those trivialities with more exciting information like my birthday, how much I could bench press in college, and a few images of my favorite foods.

This week’s recommendation:

Cupcake, Prosecco ($9.99): Delicious and well-made, this Prosecco has flavors even more complex than the label described above: Take the love-child of a peach and a honeydew melon, drop it in a blender with a few almonds, pour over a piece of vanilla French toast, and serve with a shot of cream and you’d get the idea. Now enjoy a glass while viewing a picture of me.

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