Boone’s Farm Lectures Bordeaux

March 15, 2011

Before you start getting all sanctimonious, Mr. French Bordeaux, you should take a look from that top shelf you seem to equate with a throne, to the group of us down here on the bottom shelf. We’re gorgeous. All twenty-eight flavors of us. Just look at you up there with your French name too difficult to pronounce yet alone remember. You have what, two flavors? Red and white? Neither of which, I assure you, taste like Melon Ball or Pink Grapefruit.

Do you like our labels? We do. They’re fun, and youthful, and easy to read by fun, youthful college kids who will happily buy fifteen of us instead of missing out on a semester’s worth of books and a few lunches just to afford one of you.

But where are my manners? We haven’t introduced ourselves. We’re the Boone’s Farm family. We live down here on the bottom shelf. I’m Blue Hawaiian and this electric, neon blast of liquid cotton candy on my right is Wild Island. The rainbow of Fruity Pebbles flavors behind us is the rest of our family. We were created in a state-of-the-art lab. Were you created in a lab, Mr. Top Shelf French Wine? I don’t think so. No. It was eight thousand years of evolving out in the vineyard for you. BOOOORRRRINNNNGGG! Jeez, just a couple hours with a really fun guy in a white lab coat and twenty eight of us were born. Give him another ten minutes and we’d boast another dozen flavors. Want to know the last time we were in a vineyard? Never. Because the vineyard is hot and it’s dry and it sucks.

By the way, how old are you? And please don’t tell me you’re more than ten…Ten? Really? You’ve been sitting there for ten years and nobody’s bought you? Most of us were placed here this morning and will be gone by the weekend–earlier if there’s a big sporting event or an Irish holiday.

And have you noticed we have fruit flavors from all over the world? That’s because we’re so well-traveled and sophisticated, probably three to four times more sophisticated than you. Yes, it’s time you get off that high horse, Mr. Bordeaux, and ask yourself who is really better. Then stand back and let the Boone’s Farm family turn this evening into a party.

This week is The Wine Rogue’s first Sparkling Wine recommendation:

Mumm Napa, Brut Prestige ($19.99): MNBP sports top shelf quality with a lower shelf price. It’s crisp and delicate with a very high deliciousness factor. It also pairs with most anything under the sun.

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