Amended Taglines for Paul Masson Wines

August 3, 2011

We will serve no wine before its time…that said, I’m also the same guy who would serve no high calorie snacks during the football game, and that didn’t pan out so well.

We will serve no wine before its time…but then again, we’re all drunk and I didn’t expect the beer to go this fast.

We will serve no wine before its time…and while I’m at it, I will serve no sushi again at the all day, fun-in-the-sun company picnic.

We will serve no wine before its time…oh, and coffee enemas are out too.

We will serve no wine before its time…unless you’re on death row and it’s your last request. We might consider it then.

We will serve no wine before its time…but if you do happen to get some before its time, discontinue use if rash or irritation occurs.

We will serve no wine before its time…and you can’t even have any when it is its time, Bob. Idiot.

We will serve no wine before its time…not even if you offered us a ton of money. Why?  How much were you planning to offer us? That much? Seriously? Well it’s more of a guideline than a rule, really. I mean we could maybe serve a little wine before its time and see how it goes.

We will serve no wine before its time…actually we will, but just saying that makes the wine sound sophisticated, doesn’t it?

We will serve no wine before its time…but for those who just can’t wait, we also have a convenient twelve liter box wine that we’ll serve any old time. One’s ready now.

We will serve no wine before its time…and that goes for our cheese and sauerkraut too. Have you ever tasted cheese or sauerkraut before their time? We definitely need to wait for the cheese and sauerkraut’s time.

These dog days of summer are the perfect time for this week’s recommendation.

Tamari 2009, Torrontes ($14.99): Tamari didn’t hire a fat, drunk actor spewing elitist taglines to peddle their juice. Instead, they simply made the perfect summer wine and let it speak for itself. Virtually everything on the summer picnic table goes with this flavorsome Torrontes. It pairs well with fish, mild cheese, oysters, scallops, crabs, chicken, and cold meats. Just avoid the sushi if it’s been in the sun for a while.


Wine-Like Characters From Freshman Dorm

January 18, 2011

Trying to make sense of the diversity of wine on the store shelves is like trying to figure out all the new people you meet in the college dorm. It took the best part of a semester to learn enough about each dorm mate to determine if I thought they were cool or a complete dork. Likewise, with wine, a little exposure to the unfamiliar often produced a surprising and lasting relationship. The wine equivalent of the guy that cranks up Turkish folk music and never does his laundry can sometimes make a better friend than the Polo-shirted Corvette-driving dude. This is how it would look if wines were dorm mates.

Cabernet is definitely the dorm stud. Popular and with a good build, he’s on both the soccer and football team. He’s not right for every occasion, though. Sometimes he’s a bit over the top. Like when he wore his wrestling suit to class. Merlot is a lot like Cab but his sports are badminton and curling.

Beaujolais is so different from other wines. It’s like that weird guy at the end of the hall. Some people liked him. I did not. After a semester of hearing his ramblings about his spirit animal being the fish, I completely avoided him. Sorry Beaujolais lovers, I don’t get it.

Blended wines are like the dorm pharmacist who made it a lifestyle of trying to mix every possible concoction of native plant and cleaning product in an attempt to find the perfect buzz. While I didn’t relish the thought of trying his hallucinogenic bath salts, most of my favorite wines are a concoction of several varietals.

Pinotage has very different flavors: bananas or even tropical fruit. Every dorm has the Pinotage guy. He’s different, yes, but he’s also fun. Most of his siblings ended up as shepherds or in the circus and he definitely sports his family’s weird gene. Because of him you would never have the experience of air-playing a didgeridoo to whale songs.     

Brunello is the sultry diva. Everyone wanted a date with her but starting around $45 a bottle, we usually didn’t have the money to take her out. Bordeaux wines are the upper classmen with a few years under their belts. Boone’s Farm is the guy that dropped out two weeks into the first quarter when he learned there was no recess. 

This week’s recommendation is a white from Argentina.

Piattelli 2009, Torrontes ($13.99): Who hasn’t had a crush on a foreign exchange student? She even smells exotic; like flowers and honey. Have a fling with this one and you’ll brag to your friends about it.


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